A Conversation with Dr. Miriam Kirmayer

 February 1, 2026

Dr. Miriam Kirmayer is a clinical psychologist, leading friendship expert, and internationally recognized speaker on human connection and social support. She is also the keynote speaker at the AMTA 2026 Schools Summit. She spoke with Massage Therapy Journal about her work on resilient relationships, supportive workplaces, and cultures of belonging. 

When thinking of connection, most people who are unfamiliar with the social sciences might be surprised there is research behind these ideas. Can you share one of the most surprising research insights about connection?

Kirmayer: We think of connection as a nicety when really, it’s a necessity. One of my favorite studies is the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

For the past 85 years, researchers have been following over 700 participants (and now their descendants) to better understand what drives health and happiness. The finding is remarkably consistent: the number one predictor of how happy we are and how long we live isn’t money, fame or even genetics— it’s the quality of our relationships.

All types of relationships matter, but friendships in particular play a uniquely powerful role in helping us thrive personally and professionally. That’s something I look forward to unpacking during our session together at AMTA’s 2026 Schools Summit!

Connection is so much more nuanced and complex than what a basic definition of the word suggests. Can you talk to us about what connection means to you?

Kirmayer: Connection is both universal and deeply personal. We all need and benefit from connection, but what that looks like can be different for each of us.

It’s not enough to ask, “How many friends do you have?” or “How often do you see colleagues?”

Connection is more than co-existing or co-working; it’s about feeling seen, supported and celebrated—for our experiences, strengths and slip-ups alike. Connection is subjective. What really matters is how satisfied and supported you feel in your relationships.

That’s why it’s helpful to routinely check in with ourselves (and the people we connect with) to see whether anything needs to be addressed or reprioritized. We don’t want to let those unmet needs go unexpressed for too long because doing so can make reaching out more challenging, and relationships, teams and communities can start to feel more divided and disengaged.

From your perspective, what is the relationship between leadership and connection?

Kirmayer: Workplace connection is one of my favorite topics because it’s both an overlooked strategy and an untapped opportunity for leaders and organizations. The research is clear: connection is a core driver of well-being, growth and success.

From my work with teams and leaders, I see three levels of connection that matter most:

• Connection between leaders and their teams. When leaders invest in building trust and high-quality relationships with their team, learning, engagement and performance rise.
  
  
• Connection across the team. A leader’s role isn’t and cannot be to micromanage every relationship challenge and opportunity or be the hub everyone connects through. Strong leaders create the conditions for authentic peer-to-peer connection to flourish. That’s where cohesion, collaboration and innovation really take off.
  
  
• Connection for the leader themselves. It really is lonely at the top. Leaders themselves experience disconnection at alarming rates, which can undermine both their effectiveness and sustainability. That’s why having your own peer network of mentors, fellow leaders and friends outside of work is essential.

When leaders nurture connection at all three levels, everyone wins. Leaders themselves are more resilient, teams are more collaborative and the entire organization benefits from a culture of trust, psychological safety and shared growth.

What are some things that get in the way of building strong connections, and how can people better manage these obstacles?

Kirmayer: When people think about what gets in the way of connection, the first thing they usually point to is time. We’re busy, we’re stretched thin, and sometimes we don’t have the emotional resources or energy to connect in the ways we’d like. Those are real challenges to navigate.

But what I’ve found is that the bigger barrier often comes from within—our beliefs and expectations about what relationships “should” look like.

I call this the real–ideal divide: The gap between the relationships we have and the ones we want (or the ones we think we’re supposed to have). The bigger this divide, the greater our risk for loneliness and all its ripple effects.

But the flip side is just as important: when we can narrow that divide, we unlock potential.

So how do we bridge the real–ideal divide?

Recognize it. Just naming the gap—and whatever feelings it stirs up—is powerful. It validates your experience and gives you a compass that points you to the relationship needs you can work to meet.

Challenge assumptions. If you catch yourself thinking, “I don’t have time for connection” or “They probably don’t want to hear from me” or “We don’t have anything in common—we’re completely different,” pause and ask: Is this fact or just a feeling? What evidence do I have that this is true? What evidence points to the contrary?

This process can unlock more helpful ways of thinking and lead to more encouraging approaches to connection.

Take action. Confidence doesn’t just come from mindset shifts—it comes from practice. And what’s clear is that we grossly underestimate the impact of small moments of connection. It doesn’t take much to make a difference in our level of connection, and someone else’s:

• Check in on a student or colleague—ask how they’re really doing.
  
  
• Share a real story from your day instead of routine small talk.
  
  
• Text a friend a photo that reminded you of them.
  
  
• Ask a neighbor their favorite coffee spot—and report back after you’ve tried it!

Most massage therapist’s success relies heavily on building and maintaining ethical boundaries, which might make building and sustaining authentic relationships more difficult. What would you say to a massage therapist wondering if having authentic relationships with students, coworkers, clients might possibly jeopardize their ethical commitments?

Kirmayer: Having close relationships at work is a huge competitive advantage. And in the health and well-being space, the quality of the client/therapist relationship is what often makes the biggest difference in therapeutic progress.

But that doesn’t mean we can—or should—be friends with everyone. Sometimes the nature of our work means that true friendship isn’t possible or appropriate.

The key is remembering that boundaries aren’t meant to block connection—they’re meant to shape it. They clarify what’s possible, what’s off-limits and set the tone for the quality of our interactions.

The challenge is that we often swing to extremes: holding boundaries so rigidly that we shut people out or loosening them so much that we (or those we support) end up feeling unsteady.

So instead of asking, “How do I choose between authenticity and professionalism?” try asking:

Where might my boundaries be too rigid, keeping me from meaningful moments of connection that could enrich this relationship and my work?

Where might my boundaries be too porous, leading to overwhelm or unclear expectations that make the relationship and my ability to help harder to sustain?

At the end of the day, this isn’t a conflict between professional ethics and personal connection—it’s a communication challenge. And the good news is that open communication and healthy boundaries are foundational to both strong friendships and effective working relationships.

Connections seems essential to whole health. What is one self-care ritual/practice that is essential to your own health and well-being?

Kirmayer: I’m an intellectualizer by nature, which means I can spend a lot of time “in my head.” So for me, self-care often looks like intentionally coming back to my body. That includes regular movement, time outdoors and yes—massages whenever I can make them part of my routine (a former clinical supervisor convinced me of their importance and I’ve never looked back!).

One of my most cherished rituals is my morning walk on the mountain. Sometimes I’ll invite a friend or call a colleague for a good “walk-and-talk.” Other times, I know I need that time alone to reset. For me, connection works best when it’s intentional—when we’re not only turning toward others but also tuning in to what we need in that given moment.

Anything else you’d like to add?

I’m so looking forward to connecting with the AMTA community! If you’d like to start the conversation early, you’re welcome to poke around my website.

I have all sorts of guides, resources and podcast episodes on friendship and connection. And of course, reach out—I’d love to hear from you!

All types of relationships matter, but friendships in particular play a uniquely powerful role in helping us thrive personally and professionally. That’s something I look forward to unpacking during our session together at AMTA’s 2026 Schools Summit! Having close relationships at work is a huge competitive advantage. And in the health and well-being space, the quality of the client/therapist relationship is what often makes the biggest difference in therapeutic progress.